When a woman is tamed

"-A venit vremea", mi-am spus, si mi-am desfacut curelele ce-mi striveau pielea.
Am pasit pe un drum anevoios si mi-am lasat acasa bocancii de escaladat sau alte obiecte ajutatoare care sa ma faca sa ma inham la competitie. Mi-am zis sa pasesc greoi. Oricum am imbatranit.
Si am intrat pe acest teren incet, foarte incet. Totul era in control si in echilibru. Dozam pana si bucuria cumva inconstient. Ma simteam utila, matura si responsabila. Construiam cu amandoua mainile ceva.
Nu a trecut mult timp pana sa realizez ca tot ceea ce construiam ma depasea, caci nu mai construiam eu, ci se construia de la sine si rapid. Foarte rapid.
Am fugit. Era mai bine in liniste, cu vechea mea varianta, care era experta in a escalada ferestrele amantilor ei atunci cand sotiile veneau acasa.
Doar ca de data asta, amantul si-a inconjurat bine mainile in jurul taliei mele si mi-a spus-"Sari tu, sari si eu!"
Mi-am zis ca probabil ori este inconstient, ori mi-am jucat rolul atata de bine, incat el este a nu stiu cata victima de pe lista. Il priveam cu compasiune si ii mangaiam parul spunandu-i:"Copile, habar nu ai in ce te bagi!"
Nu pricepea. Se uita tinta in ochii mei si abea clipea. As fi vrut ca si in cazul lui sa pot spune:"-Lasa asta acum. Vine sotia. Povestim maine despre asta in liniste. Acum trebuie sa fug." 

As fi vrut sa rostesc doar vorbele astea si maine sa nu mai existe. Se dregea el cumva apoi.  

Insa in cazul lui nu era nicio graba. In cazul lui, sotia nu intra, temerile nu incapeau, abandonul nu era resimtit, privirea nu se abatea. Era inca acolo, uitandu-se tinta in ochii mei.
Era infricosator, dar am mai zabovit acolo. Cred ca imi placea cum imi cuprindea talia.
Mi-a dat drumul la un moment dat si a venit langa umarul meu zambind. Statea drept si de neclintit si mi-a spus:"Hai sa pornim. O sa fie un drum dezastruos, dar eu sunt curios peste ce dam. Tu?"
Iarasi m-am speriat. Atacasem si inainte, fugisem si inainte, ma eschivasem si inainte. Acum nimic nu mai dadea roade. Pierdeam controlul si devenea obositor sa il pandesc. Era inca acolo, cu ochii aia mari si luciosi si zambea continuu.
M-am instrainat de vechea mea versiune, tot treptat. Incet, incet. Pe nesimtite. Predasem controlul, armele, oboseala si bagajul. Nu le-a carat bucuros insa. Le-a lasat jos si m-a intrebat daca sunt chiar necesare in drumetie. Pana atunci nici nu-mi trecuse prin minte ca le pot lasa jos, ba mai mult, ca pe drum nu o sa mai am nevoie de ele.
Lasasem Viata sa-si joace zarul. Chiar si cu riscul de a fi vulnerabila, obosisem si el parca era totdeauna cu un pas inainte sa imi fereasca piciorul de pietre. Parca intodeauna era in mintea mea. Simteam cumva ca face parte din mine. Si asta se simtea grozav.
M-am predat. M-am predat efectiv. Incet, dar constient.
Era infricosator. Era grozav. Era crestere.

Ne-am extins.
Iar acum este etapa in care simt sa valorific asta, sa fructific, oferind mai departe ceea ce am primit noi, in urma lucrului in echipa.
Da, se merita !

Tamed...

"The time has come," I said, and I loosened the straps that crushed my skin.
I stepped on a difficult road and I left the boots to climb or other helpful items to make me harnessed to competition. I said to walk slow. Anyway I am getting old.
And I went on this ground slowly, very slowly. Everything was in control and balance. To curb, for me was a must. I was planning even the joy, somehow unconscious. I felt useful, mature and responsible. To built with both hands something, was amazing.
It did not take long to realize that everything was building beyond me, because I was no longer building, but built for itself and quickly. Very fast.
I ran. It was better in silence, with my old version, which was expert in escalate lovers windows when the wifes came home.

Only that this time, the lover surrounded his hands around my waist and he said- "You jump, I jump!"
I thought that perhaps he is unconscious, or I played so well my role that it is the umpteenth victim of the list. Looked with compassion to him and I stroked his hair saying: "Child, you have no idea what you're getting!"
It seemed like he wasn’t able to understand me. Stared into my eyes and barely blinked. I wish that in his case could say: "- Let it now. The wife is coming. We’ll talk more tomorrow about it in silence. Now I have to run." I wanted just to utter those words and tomorrow to not exist. He will refit it somehow. 

In his case there was no rush. The wife did not appear, fear not fit, abandonment was not felt, look no deviation. It was still there, staring into my eyes.
It was scary, but I stayed there. I think I like how his hands felt on my waist.
At some point, he let me free. He came near my shoulder, smiling. He stood straight, steadfast and said: "Let's go on. It'll be a disastrous way, but I'm curious what give over. You?"
Again I was scared. I attacked before, had run before, I evaded before. Now nothing was giving off. I lost control and became tiresome to chase him to make a mistake. It was still there, with those big shiny eyes, smiling continuously.
I alienated my old version, gradually. Slowly. Imperceptibly. Handed control, weapons, fatigue and luggage. Not happy he tooked those. Left them down and asked me if are necessary in our hiking. Until then do not even crossed my mind that I can let it down, moreover, that on the road will not need them.
I allow life to play it dice. Even with the risk of being vulnerable, I was tired and it seemed that he was always with one step ahead to forbid my foot to hit stones. I felt like he was since forever in my mind. It feels like he is a part of me. And it feels great.
I capitulate. I actually did it. Slowly but consciously.
It's been scary.
It's been awesome.
It's been growth.
We have expanded.
And now is the stage where you feel to redeem it, harnessing it, offering further on what we have received, following teamwork.
Yes, it is worth it!

Cum vindeci dorurile?

Tradata...iubirea trecea...
A pus din nou mana pe culori si a inceput sa le arunce apasat pe plansa dezgolita din fata ei.
Avea o dorinta aproape psihotica de a scoate afara din fiecare parte a corpului ei acele ramasite care o faceau continuu sa construiasca praf de stele.
Stia ca la finalul "lucrarii", cand frenezia, miscarile mainilor circulare si bezmetice, respiratia sacadata si inima ei inaltata, vor regasi luminisul, acolo va descoperi o povata.
Probabil o facea pentru si de dragul creatiei si nu de dragul dorurilor.
Sau probabil nici nu-si dorea sa existe acolo povata pe care o stia oricum, ci doar dorea ca cineva sa-i intelega mazgalelile.
Uitase ca dorurile se aud oricum.
Fie ca esti intr-un teatru de operatii, pe campul de lupta, dincolo de nori sau honarind greoi pe strazi fie luminate de felinare ce palpaie, fie pe alei reci si intunecate, dorurile le auzi oricum.
Si iata-o din nou privind cumva chioras la intrebarea: "Cum vindeci dorurile?"
Nu s-a protejat niciodata la auzul sirenelor ce anuntau venirea avalansei, venirea razboiului, imprastierea pacii. Curajoasa cauta sa auda mai bine de unde vine, sa le intampine.
Nu avea regrete.
Dar nu. Acum nu crede nici ca este castigata pentru ca de fiecare data a hoinarit cu sirenele pentru o vreme. Vreme cand stia cum sa danseze cu ele si o facea grozav. Vreme cand avea fericirea si zambetul, cumva cusut la buzunarul de la pieptul camasii albastre, buzunar acoperit de esarfa rosie ce daca ar fi avut grai, ar fi strigat: "Victorie!"
Nu ! Nu ar da la schimb zambetul vremelnic si victoria primei lupte, pe sunetul infundat sau pierdut al sirenelor.
Prefera sa auda sunetul si sa nu fi cunoscut cum e sa zambesti.
Stie ea mai apoi ce valenta sa dea auzului.
Dar cine poate invinovati pe cine!?!
Goarna se aude cand cineva o da, luptatorii ies imbratisand terenul de lupta, cand sunt antrenati. Razboiul se opreste cand pactul se incheie. Pactul incheiat "amical" intre doua tabere. Doua tabere deci. Aha ! Unde mi-e fostul adversar deci?
S-a risipit. S-a dizolvat in momentul in care si-au spus unul altuia:" Hai sa ne consideram egali !"
Nu mai poti spune ca lupta continua, cand egalitatea inseamna sa consideri cumva indirect ca si celalalt stie deja ca tu vrei sa auzi sirenele doar pentru o vreme si nu pentru totdeauna.
....
Bine, bine...insa, cum vindeci dorurile?