camasi desfacute, suflete dezbracate- open shirts, naked souls

M-am trezit in dimineata asta dezvelita.
Am facut toata noaptea dragoste cu un strain.
M-a dezbracat cu grija si m-a pus sa ma privesc in oglinda, in timp ce ma sustinea cu bratele. Probabil cumva, el avea sa stie ca dupa ce ma voi vedea, apasarea ma va clatina putin. Si statea acolo, dandu-mi suport.
A fost o noapte intensa, in care fie predam stafeta si-i permiteam sa-mi mai deschida un alt nasture la camasa, fie trageam patura pe mine. Patura, pe care cumva el reusea sa o priveasca tot ca pe o patura subtire si transparenta.
M-a atins, de-mi ardea pana si camasa pe mine, dar nu scoteam un sunet. Lasam sa arda, sa ma obisnuiesc cu ce trezea in interior.. lasam sa arda ca nu cumva sa uit repede mai apoi, ca ceva poate sa arda si asa...
Insa asteptam la fiecare pas sa-i vad ranjetul perfid si ungherele cele mai urate...nu apareau...le cautam, le provocam....nu gaseam nici urma de deconectare de la propria-i persoana.
L-am creionat imediat ca ingamfat...si am vrut sa pun mana pe pelerina si sa ies in ploaie...vroiam sa ma ude si sa treaca tot apoi. Sa treaca toata zvarcoleala care mi-a provocat-o, o data cu fiecare nasture desfacut. Au mai stiut si altii cum sa apuce sa caute fermoarul si s-au impiedicat pe drum, fie de ignoranta lor, fie de egoism. Asa ca m-am incurajat ca tiparul se repeta si daca-i asa, pot foarte bine sa inalt zidul cu inca o caramida. Si asa mi se parea ca-s cam descoperita.
.......
M-a lasat exact asa cum eram, goala.
Si-a luat mainile de pe mine. Fara sa ma tina in brate, fara sa ma lase sa-i plang pe umar, fara sa ma sprijine. Auzeam parca :" Descurca-te ! Oricum iti stiu gandurile. Descurca-te si nu uita ultimele ore in care ai stat goala. Au insemnat ceva."
.......
A fost momentul in care inima si mintea si-au dat mana bucuros si s-au salutat intr-o maniera militareasca.
Le-am facut poza.                                                                                                                                  
Aratau asa dragut impreuna.
Nu m-am intrebat niciodata, copil fiind, cand acestea or sa se intalneasca, pentru ca nici nu stiam ca o pot face. Pot spune ca " saltul" porneste in momentul in care cunosti insemnatatea cuvintelor- sinceritate ( intai fata de tine, apoi fata de celalalt), veghere ( atat introspectie, cat si empatie).
.......
Jocul acesta in a "lupta" cu puterea si necunoscutul, m-a adus in situatia de a ma privi in oglinda fara vreo fastacire si a-mi spune: "El este egalul meu!"
Eu sunt goala si imi este ok. El este gol si nu are o problema cu asta.
PS: Multumesc pentru grija cu care m-ai facut sa-mi permit sa scot capul si sa vad ca exista si alte usi ce dincolo de ele, se gasesc si alte atribute, nu doar "siguranta" zonei de confort.
.....
Daca m-ai intreba de ce te iubesc...nu as sti sa iti raspund....si asta pentru ca nimeni altcineva nu a ajuns pana la ultimul nasture.


I woke up this morning unveiled.
I made love all night with a stranger.
Carefully he undressed me and put me in front of the mirror to see myself, while he was holding me with his arms.
Probably somehow, he knew that if I will see myself, will shake a little.
And he stood there, giving me support.
Was an intense night.
Step by step I allow him either to open another button of my shirt, either I was covering myself with a blanket. Blanket which he, somehow managed to see it like a thin and transparent one.
He reached me that deep, that my shirt was burning up on me, but I didn't make a sound.
I let it burn to get used with the intensity, I let it burn to remember it and not to forget that something can burn so deep.
After a while I've looked for his smirk and his treacherous corners....his ugly parts...
Did not come out. I looked for it...I provoked it.....I could not find anything that disconnected him from himself.
I sketched immediately lifted up....and I wanted to put on the cloak and go out in the rain...I wanted to go all wet and to do something in order to vanish all the emotions that he took out of me, along with every button undone.
I knew that there were also a few that seeked the zipper and in the end they stumble either of their ignorance or selfishness.
So I encouraged myself that the pattern is repeated and I can easily build on the high wall by putting another brick. Anyway I was revealed enough.
He left me just as I was. Naked.
Took his hands off. Without holding me, without lettin' me cry on his shoulder and without support me.
I heard only:" Deal with it! I know your thoughts anyway. Deal with it, but don't forget the hours you were naked. Have meant something."
.......
So, that was the moment when the heart and the mind, gladly shook hands and greeted in a military manner.
.......
I have not ever wondered, when I was a kid, how the heart and mind can meet, because I didn't knew on the first place if can actually be possible.
I can only say that "the jump" starts in the moment you know the significance of the words- sincerity ( to you first, then over the other) and vigilence ( both insight and empathy).
This game and this "fight" of power and unkown, brought me in the situation in which I looked at myself in the mirror without any flustered reactions and told myself:" He is my equal!"
I'am naked and its ok. He is naked and has no problem with that.

PS: Thank you for the care with which you made me allow myself to head out and see that there are other doors that beyond them, are other attributes, not just the " safety" comfort zone.
.....
If you ask me why I love you....I wouldn't know what to answer you....and that is because no one else came down to the last button of my shirt !